Failure, Rejection, and the Art of Being Average
Sep 16 2015

Tibetan monks creating an intricate mandala they will soon wipe away to illustrate impermanence. Later they will throw the colored sand into a nearby river and start the process over again.

Life seems to have a lot of rejection, failure, and unmet expectations in between occasions of blissful acceptance, success, peace, and happiness.

But it’s all part of the human experience and according to Pema Chodrin we need to Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknown (Amazon link).  I heard about the book from Seth Godin’s blog post Failing, again. It’s a quick, easy read with a nice analogy of how we build resilience, understanding, and acceptance over time as we get better at dealing with the big waves that life sends us that sometimes knock us down. We struggle to get back up only to experience the next big wave trying to knock us down again!  I also recently read her book Practicing Peace in Times of War (Amazon link) and found it insightful.

The Top 5 Stressful Situations (1. Death of a loved one, 2. Divorce, 3. Moving, 4. Major Illness, and 5. Job Loss) can leave us feeling like a failure and/or rejected.   I’ve experienced 4 of those 5 events personally and two of them at the same time. [major stress emoji]  Based on my experience, it takes a great support network, a positive attitude, and not being afraid to ask for help (even if you ask for it in an imperfect way) to navigate these life changes and come out the other end with most of your mental faculties still in tact. 😀 You learn pretty quickly who your friends really are during those tough times. And if you take the time to learn from those experiences, you build resiliency to weather the next big wave and are able to help others get back up too!

Here are some great articles I’ve read recently that can help all of us put feelings of rejection, failure, and lack of confidence into perspective.

On feeling like a failure – Seth Godin

In Defense of Being Average – Mark Manson.  He is such a funny and talented writer!  It is okay to be average, because most of us are.

The Confidence Gap – The Atlantic.  This article discusses the unique challenges even the most talented and accomplished women face on the topic of confidence.

On Marrying the Wrong Person – The Book of Life.  Will the way we pick our spouses evolve yet again? I hope so.  This article discusses how we should pick our mate.  The method they suggest makes more sense than how we humans have typically done so in the last thousands of years.

Mixed Signals: Why People Misunderstand Each Other – The Atlantic.  What did she say? He couldn’t have really meant that, right? OMG, I can’t believe she didn’t understand me!

Some Things Are Better Off Left Unsaid Or Unwritten
Apr 13 2015

I remember a time in high school where I was trying to tell someone who was about 5 years older than me “something about my life” (just like the Indigo Girls Closer To Fine song begins).  He was a college aged Sunday school teacher.  I was in awe of him for some reason that I can’t exactly recall why now.  When he saw that I was struggling, he said “some things are better off left unsaid.”  I figured he was older and wiser, so after he said that I decided not to tell him what I was trying to confess about my atypical life.  I’m not sure if it would have changed the course of my life if I had told him, but I wonder to this day if it might have.

Although most people who know me think I’m fairly outspoken and direct, I believe I’ve left many critical things unsaid or unwritten leaving some to think I did not have thoughts or feelings about certain things or maybe even cared. I try to be as open as I can with my kids so they always know I care about them and love them even if I’m upset about something.  I hope they always know that.  I cherish the fact they still tell me they love me…sometimes even unprompted!

I’ve only had one person in my life tell me that I wore my heart on my sleeve, but I think that may be because he was the only person who saw it “standing there” or maybe he liked the shirt I was wearing that day. 🙂 It reminded me of the lyric by Barenaked Ladies in One Week: “I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve. I have a history of losing my shirt.” I think at that time in my life I was desperately wishing I could change into a sleeveless shirt because having an exposed heart on your sleeve is a really weird sensation!

What prompted this random post you might ask?  I was looking at the posts I started that are saved in the Draft section of my blog and was wondering whether it was good or bad that those went unwritten (or should I say unpublished)?  I’ll never know.  It also made me wonder about what people don’t say at work to their bosses, to their employees, or to their co-workers as well as at home to their spouses, kids, parents, friends, love interests, etc.  Are they/we afraid to say what’s really on their/our mind for fear of being fired, punished, judged as stupid, abandoned, or something else?  Or maybe they/we just don’t care.

Chances are if I had published those draft posts, I would have forgotten by now that I did.

Transitions are Constant
Nov 24 2014

Change is constant. We are always transitioning from one thing to another and/or from one stage of life to another.  I find that when those transition times happen for me, they tend to be good times to sort through and organize stuff I rarely make time to organize.  My home office is just a little more organized as of yesterday.  I’ve shoved things out of view into closets, file cabinets, and drawers which makes me feel better and helps create space to process the transition.

I’ve also been cleaning out my email inbox, and I found some articles I’ve been meaning to post about:

Thirty years of projects – Seth Godin.  He writes about his numerous projects and career transitions.  It was strangely comforting to see all the different things he’s attempted over the years and their different outcomes.

The Creativity Myth – Kevin Ashton. Mozart did not create his music by magic or overnight.  Creativity takes time.

Cassandra and Pollyanna – Seth Godin. “Things don’t usually explode. They melt.”

Nobody Knows What the Hell They Are Doing – Oliver Burkeman. “The genuinely untalented, meanwhile, probably have no idea that they’re no good—because they’re too untalented to realize it.”  And “If you’re worried you don’t measure up, that could well be a sign that you do.”

“If you’re interested in building a business to make money, forget it. You won’t. If you’re interested in building a business to make a contribution to society, then let’s talk.” – Arthur Rock

Happy Thanksgiving!

Clash of Clans Reminds Me of Business
Oct 28 2014

My 12 year old son made an interesting statement while we were driving to soccer practice today.  He said that Clash of Clans, a game he plays often on my iPhone and the mini-iPad that he and his sister share, is like business.  He said it out of the blue.  He hears me and his dad talk about businesses and companies often.

I asked him why he thought that and he said because you can join clans, you have to find clans, and then sometimes people are nice or not nice in those clans.  You can leave clans, some you can just join, some you have to be invited to join, and others you have to ask to join.  You can leave a clan if they are not nice or they don’t give you good materials.  You can get kicked out of a clan if the clan doesn’t like you.

He asked me if there were wars in business, and I told him that there are competitors that companies “war” against, but they don’t typically try to literally kill each other like they do in the game. 🙂

I was impressed that he came up with the analogy. I guess he’s been paying more attention than I thought to our conversations about our experiences in business.

Lemonade Day Stand – 2014
May 7 2014

We participated in Lemonade Day again this year on May 4, 2014 (May the 4th be with you).  It was so much fun and a great entrepreneurial lesson for the kids last year (see Lemonade Day Austin – May 5, 2013 – Entrepreneurial Kids), that we did it again at the same location.  The three girls made over $165 in profits this year compared to $91 last year.  We changed our product mix and provided coffee, muffins, and lemonade versus lemonade, sport bars, and muffins last year.  Since we were at the Rookie Triathlon, there were already sponsors that were providing free Power Bars!

My son did it again with two of his friends at the same location they did last year.  I haven’t heard the results yet, but they think they made a good profit as well.

The only downside of doing the stand at a triathlon is having to get up at 4:30 a.m. in order to be there by 5:30 a.m. (hence a photo of the stand in the dark) to get set up before the race started!  A true entrepreneurial experience: odd hours, lots of work, and you have to wait until the end of the day to see if you actually made any money. I’m guessing more money is made in some simple lemonade stands than in many businesses who attempt to get up and make lemonade every day…even when there is a shortage of lemons, or currently limes (The lime panic of 2014).  See also The Lime Shortage: Still Messing With Your Margarita.

Who Has Your Back? In Life and Business…
Sep 8 2013

I saw this image on facebook a couple of weeks ago and thought how appropriate the quote was for life and business.  “The best thing about the worst part of your life is that you get to see the true colours of everyone.”

When things get really tough in life, you see who is really there for you and others.  Whether they understand why you are going through what you are going through or why you are saying/doing what you are saying, they do their best to help you out or at least not get in your way or judge you.  If they don’t care and are more interested in the trajectory of their lives, they might abandon you or look the other way.  They are likely more worried about how they look or feel or just don’t want to exert the effort it takes to care and help you through a tough spot.

I’m grateful for the gem-like people who surfaced during the hardest times of my professional and personal lives.  I know I will do the best I can to have their back, should the need arise.  What goes around comes around as they say…

Perspective – April 2013
Apr 10 2013

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”  –Regina Brett (Thanks Jeffrey Fry for sending out that quote on Feb 23, 2013).

When things get challenging and life seems overwhelming, there is generally always someone worse off than we are.  I think being educated in the United States means you have mostly a privileged life.  We lose perspective when we think our troubles are “not fair,” we haven’t achieved what we thought we wanted to achieve, or everyone else has it better than we do.  I think a big part of the reason Reality TV has taken off is because it gives people insight into other people’s messy lives.

Success is not a straight line not just in a start-up business, but also in life.  How you define (and redefine) success also matters as it constantly evolves based on where you are in life.  Sometimes success can mean getting the kids up and out the door in the morning on time and other times it can mean closing a multi-million dollar deal!

Here are some morbid articles I recently read that gave me perspective.  Most of us can’t imagine dealing with the situations mentioned in the articles.

SKorea: NKorea may be preparing to test missile –  Associated Press

Six Americans, including three civilians, killed in attacks in Afghanistan – The Washington Post

Suicide bomber kills 20 at political rally in Iraq – Associated Press

Man kills 13 people in Serbian shooting rampage – Associated Press

I do feel really sorry for the individual who might be at the bottom of the “life sucks” totem pole, but my guess is that even they can think of someone worse off than they are because what’s important to them may not be important to someone else….

150,000 Miles
Mar 10 2013

I wrote a post on October 19, 2009 when my car reached 100,000 miles.  I don’t know why I wrote that post, but it was a milestone for me since I’d never owned a car with that many miles on it.  Oddly, I remember a few minutes of the morning of the day I went into work after writing that post as well as what I was wearing along with a conversation I was having with the office manager at the time.  Here are a few quotes from that post updated for now:

“And now here it is 8 [11.5] years, 2 kids, 3 [5] jobs, several written articles, 381 [600] blog posts [1,977 comments], and one mid-life crisis later and the car has been solid (knock on wood).”  I did just have to spend about $1,500 to fix a timing belt tensionar pulley issue and a side engine mount thingamabob a week ago…the timing (pun — or whatever — intended) wasn’t great from a cash flow perspective, but hey it’s still running!

“I was too busy chatting with my [best] friend [driving to/from SXSW] at the time to notice when it hit the 100,000 [150,000] mile mark.”

“I wonder for how many more miles I will own this car…”

Not that 99.5% of most people really care about my car or it’s mileage, but let’s just say these last 50K miles on my car have felt like a 100K miles in my life.  The amount of change that has happened in my life personally (myself and my kids) and professionally has been astounding.  And sometimes I’m surprised I’m still standing, but since the kids and I have regular check ups with friends & doctors and an active social life that keeps us driving around, I guess the life maintenance plan is working okay so far… I think I need to get an oil change.  How does one get a personal oil change? 🙂

I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
Mar 4 2013

“I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.” – Edgar Allan Poe   Someone on facebook shared that quote recently.  Subsequently, two of my girlfriends told me that Poe was one of their favorite authors.

I saw The Raven last year and it was a dark film.  Reading about Poe’s life it sounds as if his heart must have been “touched” often.  There are more than a few entrepreneurially-minded individuals who had similar characteristics and as we see in the media there are also some famous actors and singers whose sanity has been questioned.  Your heart/passion has to be touched to take on the “insanity” of starting a business!

My guess is that most of us keep our hearts protected, otherwise there might be a lot of “insane” people running around.  Or maybe we could all do with a bit more insanity (i.e., non status-quo) in our lives…without the judgement and cowardice that often goes along with it. As Albert Einstein said, the true definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Poe doesn’t say whether the touch is one that caresses, holds, scares, confuses, or breaks his heart leaving us readers to wonder what he meant or what touched his heart the most.

The Space Between the Notes
Feb 17 2013

“Music is the space between the notes.”  ~ Claude Debussy

Everyone is so busy these days. We fill our lives with things that take us from here to there in minutes, when even just fifty years ago it might have taken us hours or days to do something.  The infrequent times I get to work on my music are the times I get to exercise a different part of my brain.  I’m in the middle of getting two songs produced with a professional named Ron Wikso. I’m learning a ton about the process, and he has been patiently explaining it to me.

The phrase “between the notes” has come to my mind often these last few weeks as I’ve found myself with a little more time to work on my songs, but I struggle with enjoying the space…the temporary lull in some of the noise…because there are so many other pressing daily life details that need to be attended to with the kids, job stuff, house stuff, etc.

I think that not only in “music,” but also in life the most poignant moments can lay in the space in between the noise of our daily lives.  The times when things in our lives are on pause (or change dramatically) while we wait for the next great refrain or chorus to start are often ignored, because we are waiting for the “silence” in one part of the symphony of our lives to end and the activity/music to begin.  Unlike an already written sheet of music, we don’t know if the next refrain in our lives will be a joyous beat, a steady (a.k.a. boring) rhythm, a pleasant melody, or the background music from a horror movie.  We don’t know, yet we often live in the anxiety and can’t enjoy the space…the space to explore other options or even to take a nap!

True learning, profound connection, and great discoveries have been known to happen in the space between thoughts, yet most of us are afraid of that space.  We don’t often choose the space or if it chooses us, we don’t know what to do with it.  It has been proven that meditation has many benefits when you can stop the thinking and sit still in silence, but it’s not easy.  “I think therefore I am” could have easily been said “I am therefore I think, play, laugh, feel, love, etc.”

The more we are able to quiet our thoughts and live in that space, the more peace we seem to achieve and the more positive impact we have on those around us.  The challenging nature of that endeavor mixed with the constant flux of our lives is why I believe there are very few gurus and prophets in this world.  Most of them are men who did not have kids or had someone else taking care of their kids.  Many of them also did not want or need money and were fine with sitting under a tree or in a cave meditating most of the time.  If I had no kids, I might try that life for a while. 🙂

May the space between the notes in your music or the choruses of your lives become great defining points in the stories you tell.  I already know I’ll be a grandma or teacher with the best First World “war” stories based on the space between the notes of my life…

Interesting Links And Random Thoughts – August 2012
Aug 12 2012

Until I figure out a strategy for this blog, which may continue to be known for it’s non sequitur personality like it’s owner, here are a few interesting reads and observations:

The 11 Ways That Consumers Are Hopeless at Math – The Atlantic

It’s Alright To Cry – gapingvoid cube grenade

Where does trust come from?  – Seth Godin.  “Hint: it never comes from the good times and from the easy projects. We trust people because they showed up when it wasn’t convenient…”

“I don’t even know what I’m afraid of” – Seth Godin.

I wonder if there is such a thing as brown/tan-gray/silver color blindness.  If so, I think I have it.

I’m so proud of my son for asking people to donate to mycharity:water, bringing clean drinking water to those without, instead of giving him birthday gifts.  He exceeded his original goal by $160 so far for a total of $360!  He never once complained or mentioned that he didn’t get any presents and was happy he could serve so many people & families.

Close friends and even co-workers can often know you and accept you better than your own family, who may only be able to see you in the box that you desperately and continuously tried to break out of most of your life but you let them keep putting you back in there until you couldn’t anymore.

Around The Corner…
Jul 14 2012

Why is it when we are stressed or depressed we usually can’t envision peace and happiness around the corner, but when we are happy and things seem to be going well, we are more likely to anticipate bad things around that corner?  Not everyone thinks like that but most people are not as enlightened as Buddha professed to be and events, people, pets, and words affect us.  We doubt ourselves and our future.  The ironic thing is that if something really bad does happen it’s usually not anticipated.  So we get ourselves worked up over things that usually don’t happen because we can never really prepare for the really horrible stuff.

I saw this photo of a little Indian boy rowing in a metal bowl (not sure where I got it now since I saved it months ago) and it evoked several thoughts/emotions in me as a mother:  “That could be my son.  What a brave little boy!  Does he know where he’s going?  Where are his parents?  Was there a big flood or is this his usual morning routine? Will he be ok? Who is waiting for him on the other side.  I hope someone hugs him.  I hope someone gives him some food.”  Who knows what he’s thinking, but he apparently found a big flat oar like stick, got in this metal bowl, and decided to row to a better place.

Summer 2012 – The Heat Is Here
Jun 13 2012

It’s already breaking 100 degrees in Texas.  Summer is here…well officially on June 21.  My kids will finish school this week.  Then, hopefully, they will go on a couple of trips and attend a bunch of summer camps including a Spanish immersion one held by their school and have a lot of outdoor fun at Doublecreek Camp.  They have been given things to work on during the summer and, of course, they are complaining that it’s not fair they have a tiny bit of summer “homework.” Little do they know that I would be fine with year round school!  If only they could grasp now how “not fair” life usually is and how “more than fair” their short lives have been when compared to the majority of kids around the world, it would save them much disillusionment later.

This summer is going to be an interesting one for many reasons that I’ll post about soon.  Lots of changes, mostly good.  But with changes in situation and temperatures, there is always an adjustment period. 🙂

Music and Dance – Lyrics and Swing
Jun 2 2012

I saw Les Miserables for the second time in my life earlier this week.  It was good.  I saw it in London in my 20’s for the first time and that was great!  I love musicals for many reasons including the fact that they aren’t operas or ballets.  I fell in love with the actor’s voice who played the part of Jean Valjean in London.  I would have followed him anywhere after he sang Bring Him Home.  The thing about good music and lyrics are their ability to touch your heart and soul and elicit emotions that are sometimes deeply buried.  We are feeling beings and in our world, we often forget that and hide our true natures behind a facade of “having it all together” or “playing the part.”  Music is one of the safest ways to express our humanity and the vagaries of our hearts.

I also went swing dancing for the first time this week.  Every Thursday evening at the Texas Federation of Women’s Clubs Headquarters (a.k.a. The Mansion), they have a class that starts around 8:15 to teach beginners how to swing or do the Lindy hop .  I enjoyed it!  It was non stop dancing/learning and not too many toes were stepped on.  Young and older folks were there.  We made a big circle and switched partners every few minutes and one time I ended up across a 14 year old boy who seemed mature & remarkably not embarrassed for his age.  Some girl will be lucky that he learned how to dance at such a young age!

Insta-Success, Connected But Alone, Finding Your Voice
Apr 12 2012

I, and many others, still can’t fully figure out how Instagram got sold for $1 billion to facebook within 17 months of being founded.  Why are some people in the right place at the right time doing the proverbial right thing to bring them that kind of lottery like winnings?  It makes my head hurt trying to rationalize it all, but congratulations to them!  May they use their new found wealth wisely.

A friend sent me a link to this Ted Talk called Connected, but alone? by Sherry Turkle.  It’s an interesting take on the dangers of us being connected virtually but not personally.  I agree with some but not all of what she says.  We are a much more distracted society and what we define as being alone and lonely have changed over time.  She says that people flock to social networks because deep down they feel like no one is listening and said “we expect more from technology than we do from each other and being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved.”  And more profound “I share therefore I am.” And “Solitude is where you find yourself.”

Fred Wilson, A-list venture capitalist blogger, posted about Finding Your Voice and how blogging has helped him and his wife find and express their voices.  Social media has helped him and others find their place in the Internet world.  Arguably, there are some out there who many of us would be fine not reading or hearing about, but for many of us who struggled to express ourselves growing up, it’s a great medium to share and discover we are not alone in the way we think, feel, and process information.